Paradoxical
by infinite vertigo
Summary: While volunteering at the psychiatric ward, Sasori encountered two paradoxes: the paradox of one of the residents and the paradox of falling in love with said resident. SasoDei


**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.title:**__ paradoxical._

_**.genre:**__ romance._

_**.pairings:**__ sasodei._

_**.word count:**__ 10,678._

_**.summary:**__ while volunteering at the psychiatric ward, sasori encountered two paradoxes: the paradox of one of the residents and the paradox of falling in love with said resident._

_**.warning**__: mentions of suicidal tendencies, attempts, and cutting._

**.paradoxical.**

"And Sasori, do be nice to these people. If you say anything out of line… well, they may take it seriously."

"Of course, Chiyo-baachan. What do you take me as?" Sasori smiled fakely and waved politely as his grandmother made a 'tch' sound and turned around on her heel, stomping off to give a prep talk to the other volunteers. A college sophomore, Sasori had been roped into doing some volunteer work to "get a feel" for what it was like to work in a hospital. Frankly, Sasori found it a waste of time, especially because the medical schools he was going to apply to would notice that his grandmother was the coordinator of this volunteer program. However, what they didn't know was that Sasori had to apply under a false name so he could be admitted. He and his grandmother were not on good terms. It was a selective program; out of the over one hundred applicants, only three were chosen. Sasori liked to make fun of Chiyo for actually believing that his false identity existed.

"Akasuna-san, you'll be delivering lunch to the patients in the juvenile psychiatric ward. Aside from that, you'll just be doing paperwork and whatever else Chiyo-baasan requires of you," a brown haired woman, Shizune, pushed a cart towards Sasori and handed him a list of the rooms and what they ate. He nodded and put his hands on the cart, strolling through the halls nonchalantly. This wouldn't be too hard, Sasori decided. Drop off lunch, do some paperwork, get hours, be done. He could deal with this.

Being a doctor was something his grandmother and deceased parents wanted for him. Sasori had no problem with it; he knew he would be able to take on the workload and it would provide a good future for him. The only thing he was concerned with was if he would have enough time for his hobby of puppetry, but he disregarded that worry. He would make time; he could do anything he wanted to. When he turned into the hall that he would primarily be working in, he paused and stared at it.

A very gloomy atmosphere, Sasori noted immediately. It was brightly lit but there was nothing there. The walls and the floor were clean but bare; not even a potted plant was there to lighten the atmosphere. The floor was a speckled white and squeaked when his shoes brushed against them occasionally by accident and the walls were baby blue, a sign indicating the room number and inhabitants on it. There were only four rooms on the list, surprising Sasori slightly and he smirked as he pushed into the first room after glancing at sign.

_Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame._

The room was decently sized with two beds, two night stands, a television, and a few chairs surrounding a table in the corner with one window to on the wall opposite of the door. The two beds were next to each other with the headboard against the wall and the night stands were about a foot away from each other. The television in this particular room was off as both of the inhabitants were reading or spacing out.

"Your lunch," Sasori said bluntly and stopped the cart between the two beds. He glanced at the list and reached down, taking out two trays covered with tin foil and left them on the appropriate beds, glancing at the inhabitants briefly. The first one was pale and had black eyes that matched his long black hair, tied into a low ponytail. He nodded quietly in gratitude at Sasori before taking off the foil and breaking apart the chopsticks. The other inhabitant had blue hair and was extremely built, looking at Sasori with distrustful eyes as he placed the tray down.

"Did you poison this?"

"Nah, my grandmother would kick me out," Sasori answered and glanced at the two again, smirking, "I'm supposed to be the epitome of sunshine and kindness, but do you mind if I take a guess as to why you're here?"

"Go for it."

"The quiet one," Sasori looked at Itachi who looked back impassively, "Schizophrenia. Similar to John Nash; extremely gifted and smart but you can't distinguish what's real from what's not. Am I right? I saw you glance to the corner of the room and make some kind of a face. I have no explanation for that, but I assumed you saw someone that's not supposed to be real and you were annoyed that you were seeing him," Sasori added when he raised an eyebrow.

Smirking slightly, he nodded. "Uchiha Itachi. Quite surprised you were able to deduce that quickly."

"And you have extreme paranoia," Sasori turned to Kisame who was eyeing him again, "You accused me of poisoning your food and you keep giving me funny looks. I assure you, I'm simply a sophomore in college, looking for volunteer experience to help bolster my chances for medical school. I have no interest in killing you or making you sick. That would look bad on my application."

"I guess you're all right," Kisame muttered and began to eat his rice, "You don't know just how many people want to watch you drop dead because they're jealous of you. Only a few can make it to the Olympics for swimming, and everyone wants to go, so they pick on the best."

Sasori raised an eyebrow at this and smirked. "I guess what they say is true," he drawled as he pulled the cart backwards and prepared to leave, "Those who achieve the most have the most issues."

_They were weird,_ Sasori thought as he closed the door behind him and walked across the hall to the next room, glancing momentarily at the sign. _Yuga Hidan and Taki Kakuzu._ A pretty emotionless person to begin with, Sasori found no pity inside of him for these people; only slight interest. He had taken a few psychology courses and decided it would be beneficial to observe the inhabitants here; what made them crack and how. He wasn't expecting to make any personal connections here; he would drop off lunch and go off to do whatever else his grandmother wanted. In and out; simple as that.

"…This won't look good if a person dies on my first day of volunteering," Sasori frowned as he stopped the cart and glanced at the silver haired man in the blood stained bed sheets. He looked up and smirked, wincing slightly at the pain as he shoved the razor blade under his pillow and wrapped the sheets around his blood soaked arm. "Well, here's your lunch. Maybe you'll stay conscious enough to eat it."

Sasori picked up the two trays and placed them on the respective night stands, looking at the two. The silver haired one was scowling and occasionally hissing in pain as he hastily made a bandage and the other one was quietly reading a book, but Sasori saw various stitches on his arms; some hastily made and some done with extreme precision.

"So both of you cut?" Sasori asked as he looked at the two, smirking. "You, on the left, cut for the blood and pain. And you, on the right, cut just to sew them back up. Why? I've got no idea. Either practicing for surgery in some twisted way or you just absolutely love pain."

"Fuck you, asshole," the silver haired man growled, glaring at him, "It's not just about the fucking blood and pain."

"Hidan, calm down."

"Fuck you, Kakuzu!"

Sasori smirked and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms as he watched the two bicker. "So tell me what's wrong. Very few people will cut themselves up badly enough to end up here just for the pain alone. So there's something else behind everything."

The two stopped their arguing and simultaneously turned to Sasori, a look of surprise on their faces. Obviously they weren't used to someone actually caring besides their counselors; most of the volunteers or nurses would walk in to make sure they were still alive and leave, with no thought as to why they were here in the first place.

"…It's personal."

"Yeah, mind your own fucking business, dumbass."

"Suit yourself," Sasori shrugged and pulled the cart with him as he crossed the hallway to the next room. He was surprised all these people were in the juvenile hallway; some of them looked about his age or maybe a year or two younger. Shrugging away the thought, he glanced at the sign and pushed his way into the room, ignoring the clattering of the cart on the floor. _Koha Zetsu._

Surprised that there was only one inhabitant, he stopped the cart and retrieved the one of three remaining trays and set it on the nightstand next to the bed with an occupant in it. The other bed was empty and looked like it had been for a while, but the inhabitant in the other bed looked almost like two people. Half of him was pale and the other half was dark with tattoos, Sasori assumed. He had green hair and yellow eyes, the only similarity between the two sides.

"Multipersonality disorder?" Sasori asked casually as Zetsu looked up, his white side smiling and black side smirking.

"Yeah. **Hey, this one's actually kind of smart.**"

The redhead smirked and turned to leave but for once, the patient actually began talking to him. "So what're you doing here?"

Sasori turned around in surprise and put his hands in his pockets (he had no uniform except the nametag he was to wear), shrugging. "Volunteering so I have something to put on my application for medical school. I've been assigned this particular hall."

"Ah. I assume you haven't met Deidara and Tobi yet?" he asked as he unwrapped his lunch and threw the tinfoil into the trashcan on the other side of his bed. He picked up his chopsticks and began mixing the ramen, picking out any mushrooms, to Sasori's amusement.

"I don't believe so. They should be next."

"Well," Zetsu smirked as he looked up and paused from blowing on the ramen, "**If you think anyone you've met so far is interesting, just wait until you meet those two.**"

"Thanks for the warning," Sasori smirked again and left the room, pulling the now lighter cart behind him. As he crossed the hall again, he glanced at the sign and Zetsu's last words rang in his head as he read the sign. _Iwa Deidara and Uchiha Tobi._

"Senpaiii!" was the wail that Sasori was greeted in when he entered the room. He stopped in surprise with his hand on the car handle as he saw a boy with an eyepatch and a revealed red eye stare at the wrist of his blonde roommate, who looked extremely annoyed. "Why is this cut red? Senpai told Tobi he didn't cut himself anymore! Did senpai lie?"

"Get off me, Tobi!" the blonde growled and shoved Tobi away, grabbing a couple of bandages and wrapping them around his wrist, never once breaking the glare he was giving Tobi, "I'm still alive, un. Be grateful for that."

"Suicidal?" Sasori asked from next to the television and the two looked at him in surprise. The blonde had a few bandages on his other wrist as well but didn't cover the cuts going up his arm. His hair was lazily tied to the side and his eyes were alert looking as he scanned over Sasori. The other one, Tobi he assumed, looked like a high schooler and Sasori couldn't figure out what he was in the psychiatric ward until he spoke again.

"Yeah Deidara, maybe it's best for us all if you just dropped dead," he growled and crawled back into bed, snapping his fingers at Sasori, "My lunch, if you will."

"Multipersonality, un," Deidara explained as Sasori walked over with the trays, "This is Madara, un. The one before was Tobi. Both are a pain, but at least Madara doesn't suffocate me with hugs, un."

"I'm surprised they let him room with you," Sasori glanced at Madara who began to eat his fried rice slowly, "If he makes those comments towards you. I'd expect them to pay more attention to the mentality of their patients and what would push them over the edge."

"Hm? Oh," Deidara glanced at his half bandaged wrist and finished it quickly, grinning as he picked up a ball of clay and began to play around with it, "I'm not that weak minded, un. I've had several failed attempts and the time that I'll actually succeed, I refuse to die knowing that I killed myself because of the idiot next to me, un. Besides if they put Tobi together with Zetsu they'd be dealing with four people in a room which would be hell for them to manage. I'm Deidara, un."

"Sasori," he shook the hand that Deidara offered and glanced at the tray that Deidara had yet to touch, something strange because everyone else began eating immediately, "I don't know you well, but you don't seem like the type of person that would look forward to a slow death."

Deidara laughed and glanced at the lunch. "You can tell, un? I'm not starving myself to death; I just don't like what they serve here, un. My art's more important than the shit they call food."

"You're into art?" Sasori asked, interest genuinely caught for once that day about something other than the reason these people were here. As Deidara continued to play around with the clay in his hands, his eyes couldn't help but occasionally glance at the cuts; most of them were faded and hard to see, but now and then a thin line of red would catch his attention. Deidara seemed oblivious to the probing eyes; that, or he was used to it.

"Yeah, un. I sculpt things and blow them up. Can't wait to get out of here, un. They don't let me blow anything up," Deidara sighed and looked out the window longingly, smiling slightly. "Are you into art too, un?"

"Puppetry," Sasori answered and furrowed his brow, "Art is eternal. Why would you blow something up and call it art?"

"Because art is fleeting, un," Deidara looked up, and smirked, "Maybe you're old so you can't grasp that concept, un. You wouldn't be Akasuna Sasori, would you?"

"What if I was?" something about talking to Deidara was interesting and kept Sasori's attention. Maybe it was the fact that Deidara was the only one willing to carry on a conversation, or that he was so unique from anyone Sasori had ever met. When he thought of those who were suicidal, he imagined those who looked at life with such a pessimistic view. But Deidara was different; the look in his eyes when he was talking about his art looked like he loved life and the beauty that it could offer. _Such a paradox,_ Sasori mused, _So lively but suicidal._

"Ah," Deidara looked up and grinned, "Well then, you're my danna, aren't you, un? I've heard of you, you know. The great Akasuna Sasori, un. Apparently your puppets are legendary."

Sasori shrugged, feeling awkward about talking his artistic genius here. His eyes fell on the tray next to the bed once again and then looked at Deidara, noticing the ball of clay had transformed into a well sculpted bird, the crude edges still be refined by the sculptor. "So what do you like eating?"

"Um… bakudan, un," Deidara muttered, his concentration focused on the bird in his hands, "Yeah, un. The place serves ramen and rice only, which gets old fast."

"Senpai!" apparently Tobi was back, Sasori noted as he watched Tobi throw himself onto Deidara's bed, earning him an angry sounding grunt and a pillow to the head, "Tobi will make sure senpai lives to be one hundred and five!"

"Why one hundred and five?" Sasori asked with amusement, watching Deidara desperately try to shove Tobi off his bed without ruining his bird.

"Because Tobi will live to be one hundred and four and three hundred sixty four days so he'll never have to live a day without senpai!"

"Bastard, don't go deciding how old I'm going to be, un!"

Sasori laughed dryly and quietly slipped out of the room, the sounds of the two arguing as he closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door, smirking as he heard Tobi notice the bird and try to grab at it, and Deidara desperately tried to keep it out of the other's reach.

"Ah, Akasuna-san!" Sasori looked up to see Shizune approaching with a few nurses behind her holding clipboards. She paused in front of Deidara's door and turned to Sasori, smiling. "What do you think of the patients?"

Sasori blinked, letting the thoughts run through his head. _One's a genius schizophrenic. One's an athletic paranoid freak. Two are obsessive cutters; one loves blood and pain and the other likes to stitch himself back up. One has multipersonality disorder and looks like the two put together. The other has multipersonality disorder as well and they're on complete opposite spectrums. And one is an "artist" that believes art is fleeting, won't eat because he's a stubborn, immature brat, and is suicidal._

"I look forward to getting to know them more."

**-X-x-X-**

The next day, a Monday, Sasori stopped by between his morning and afternoon classes. The people recognized him from yesterday and all congratulated him on sticking around; he would find out later from Chiyo that she had, purposely, assigned him to that particular ward in hopes he would quit. He was pleased that he had one more thing to add to his list to rub in her face.

Itachi and Kisame greeted him with a quiet 'hello' this morning; Kisame didn't accuse him of poisoning his food and Itachi actually made eye contact more than once. Figuring Itachi was bored, Sasori left him with his calculus book and told him he would pick it up later. Before he left, he heard a quiet 'thank you' and saw the slightest of smiles.

Hidan wasn't bloody today, a big change from yesterday. When he asked where Kakuzu was (the bed was empty) Hidan said that he wanted to take a walk but would return later. After leaving the trays, Sasori left and headed towards Zetsu's room, where he stayed only briefly like the other two rooms to drop off the food and exchange a couple of words.

"You don't take your medicine?" Sasori asked when he saw Zetsu pick up the pills left by his counter by a nurse from earlier and chuck them into the garbage.

Zetsu looked up, smiling slightly. "I'm not like Tobi, you know. My other half is literally part of me. Without him I can't function. I'd be missing part of myself. **They can't just get rid of me with some pills. It's not like I even pose a threat to myself; Deidara's the one that's constantly thinking of some way to drop dead, anyway.**"

"If you're of no harm to yourself or others, why do they keep you here?"

**"I don't know. I guess I freak people out or something, with the whole two personalities talking at once,**" Zetsu laughed bitterly, "**Humanity is messed up, you know. Anything outside the norm they'll instantly reject."**

Sasori smirked at the comment and agreed before leaving and heading towards the last room. Instead of two trays, he only had one and a container that he brought from him. As he entered the room, he placed the tray by Madara, by the stony silence he assumed it wasn't Tobi, and turned to Deidara, with the container in his hand.

"Here."

"…Eh? Bakudan, un?" Deidara's eyes widened as he opened the container Sasori dropped unceremoniously on his lap. Upon discovering it was his favorite food he looked up at Sasori in surprise. When he had said he liked bakudan yesterday he certainly wasn't expecting Sasori to actually bring it; he thought it was for conversation's sake. But now that he did, he couldn't help but smile. Besides the people here, very few people usually paid him any attention unless it was negative and here was Sasori, who was giving him the time of day when he really didn't need to.

"You said that's what you would eat," Sasori answered monotonously, "So that's what I got you. You've got a bunch of problems, and you certainly don't need anorexia as another one."

"Thanks, un," Deidara smirked and began to eat, "You enjoying your second day?"

And for a week that's how it went. Sasori would briefly exchange words with the people in the other three rooms and be in and out within five minutes. However, upon reaching the last room, he would always stick around for at least half an hour, usually a full hour, just talking to Deidara about anything and always bring him bakudan. Sometimes Tobi would join in or Madara would quietly eat his food and glare at them if they were getting too loud.

He learned a lot about him. About how Deidara was a natural born prodigy at a lot of what he did, except history; anything that required time and memorization, the blonde had difficulties with. The first time he exploded his art was by accident; some gunpowder had mixed in with the clay and he set it off somehow. His left eye was harmed and it couldn't see as well as the right one but he could still see so it was good enough for him, but it didn't matter; he fell in love with it instantly and knew that he would make that his art.

And Deidara, in turn, learned that Sasori, like his art, was a puppet and controlled by his grandmother. Anything he tried he was good at and she pushed him to be the top of his class in everything, to become successful, and, eventually, to be happy. He didn't mind being controlled like that, much to Deidara's surprise. As long as he had time to do what he wanted to do, he would do whatever it took to keep his grandmother pleased and off of his back.

The only thing they didn't talk about was why Deidara was in the hospital. He didn't mind when Sasori glanced at the cuts on his wrist, but he changed the subject quickly if he asked or made a subtle mention about them. All Sasori knew about it was that he'd overdosed on sleeping pills twice and slit his wrists three times; five failed attempts, each greeted by anxious faces hovering over him when he woke up in the hospital. After two tries, Sasori knew to let it slide. After one mention, maybe Deidara didn't get the reference. But after two, it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it and Sasori wouldn't push him to.

_"I don't get why it's so hard to die, un,"_ he had laughed and Sasori smirked weakly before they changed the subject. He was glad all five attempts had failed; he was glad he met Deidara. Because he had something to look forward to everything in this otherwise dreary place, somewhere he had applied to originally to spite his grandmother and bolster his application. He hadn't expected to meet someone here that he would genuinely befriend and come to care about, but he was glad he did.

And after a few more weeks, Deidara's birthday rolled around. He had only found out a few days earlier because Tobi blurted it out, bouncing excitedly as he asked his senpai what he wanted. Deidara scoffed and muttered "to die, un," under his breath and luckily Tobi didn't hear it. Sasori smirked and asked Deidara what he wanted and the blonde smiled and shrugged.

"I'm just glad I met you, danna, un. There's nothing else I'd really want."

Sasori blinked at the statement and laughed before Chiyo came in and hit him upside the head (much to Deidara and Tobi's amusement) and chastised him about loitering around instead of doing his other duties. Sasori bade farewell to the two and followed his grandmother out of the room, sending her a death glare as she handed him a mop and instructed he clean the entire hallway.

The entire time, his mind focused on Deidara, jumping from what to get him and just why he was so unhappy with his life. Sasori still couldn't see all the pain that he was hiding except tiny glimpses now and then; he seemed to bubbly, optimistic, and full of life that the ladder of cuts on his arms just seemed so wrong. It took everything in Sasori to not pry but he knew to respect his privacy; if Deidara wanted to tell him, he would tell him eventually.

And this was the mindset that Sasori came to the party with on May 5th. Walking into the psychiatric ward, instead of going to the separate rooms, he headed towards a large area that accounted for their "living room", per say. He had occasionally seen some of the people here when visiting while off of his volunteer hours, but never were they all gathered here at once. He smirked as he dropped his coat (Chiyo had agreed to give him a day off because none of them needed lunch service anyway) on a nearby couch and walked over to where everyone was gathered around a table. Deidara looked like he wanted to kill everyone around him (who had forced that party hat on him?, Sasori wondered with amusement) but brightened up when he saw Sasori approaching.

"Happy birthday, brat," he handed him a bag and Deidara grinned and thanked him. He sat next to him and watched the cake be presented by Pein and Konan who, Sasori would later learn, acted as the group's babysitters. Darting a glance at Deidara before he blew out the candles he noticed a slightly sad smile. When he noticed Sasori looked at him he raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Danna, are you checking me out, un?"

"You wish."

And when he blew out the candles, something within Sasori ached as he watched the cake being cut. Because even though Deidara didn't tell anyone what he wished for (no matter how much Tobi begged), Sasori knew what his exact words probably were.

_I want to die._

**-X-x-X-**

A week had passed of the same routine: drop off lunch (bakudan for Deidara) and talk to everyone. He was beginning to really bond with some of them; he was closer to most of them than he was with some of his actual friends in school. Itachi had a dry sense of humor and Kisame proved to be a good friend once his trust was earned (it took Sasori many weeks of delivering perfectly fine food to gain that trust). Hidan was still as crude as ever but entertaining and Kakuzu would occasionally make a witty remark, usually resulting in threats from the two to cut each other which, then, they would both say they would rather enjoy that. He had gotten accustomed to Zetsu's two sides and understood what he meant by saying they were one; he couldn't imagine Zetsu with only half of him. Tobi was Tobi and Madara was Madara; he was getting better at detecting changes, though he would still be glared at by Madara once in a while and glomped by Tobi.

And he realized he was getting extremely attached to Deidara. He would look forward to talking to him every day, staying as long as he could despite any homework he might have. He enjoyed their arguments about what art was about and discussion of anything that they felt like talking about. He didn't have to pretend around Deidara or act extremely knowledgeable; he could relax and he loved that. Deidara was always there when he arrived and seemed to enjoy their conversations as well, which was why Sasori raised an eyebrow today when he was greeted only by Madara (the cold eye gave it away) today.

"Where's the brat?" Sasori asked and placed the tray next to Madara's bed, leaving Deidara's bakudan on his nightstand. The bakudan was getting extremely expensive, Sasori had realized when he checked his bank account, but it didn't matter; as long as it made Deidara happy, he would be fine with it.

"I don't know and frankly, I don't care. Probably the roof though; the kid was blabbering about wishing he was a bird and stuff," Madara answered and opened the newspaper as he began to eat. Sasori stood there, dumbstruck, as Madara's words registered in his head.

_I want to die._

_ "…wishing he was a bird…"_

Madara looked up and muttered "kids these days…" as Sasori spun around on his heel and sprinted out of the hospital room and through the halls to look for the nearest stairs that lead to the roof.

"Hey Sasori, what's…" Hidan blinked in confusion as Sasori sped past him. He turned around to watch Sasori yank open the door that led to the roof and heard frantic footsteps and he shrugged as he returned to his room, holding two cans of soda. _He's just as weird as the rest of us._

Sasori's heart was pounding as he went up the stairs, taking two at a time. He prayed he wasn't too late; that Deidara had left just minutes before he had arrived. His legs began to ache and his lungs felt like they were going to burst but Sasori never slowed down; too much was at stake for him to stop because his body demanded it. When he finally reached the top, he threw the door open and stumbled outside.

"D-Deidara!" he managed to get out, seeing Deidara stand on the other side of the railing on the edge of the building. He looked calm, almost as if he were just enjoying the weather. But Sasori knew he had different plans; people didn't just "enjoy the view" with no barrier separating them and a seven story fall.

The blonde looked over his shoulder and smirked tiredly when he saw Sasori at the door and panting, as if he was out of breath. "Danna, un." He tightened his grip on the railing and watched quietly as Sasori approached him slowly, eyeing him warily and breathing heavily as if he would jump off any moment now. Which, was the plan Deidara had in mind, but now that Sasori was here he would postpone it. Mentally, he cursed himself; he should've picked a better time. "How did you know, un?"

"Madara," Sasori answered as he got closer, "said you were talking about being a bird."

"Oh, so he was listening, un," Deidara mused and nodded thoughtfully, processing this thought, "I thought only Tobi actually listened to me, un. Guess I was wrong."

"Wh-what do you think you're doing, moron?" Sasori tentatively put a hand on the railing and looked at Deidara, as if asking for permission. Deidara laughed and relaxed, leaning against the railing nonchalantly, staring out at the vast sky, and smiling as he felt the wind blow through his hair.

"It's all right, danna, un. You can stand next to me. I'm not going to jump off in the middle of your sentence, un." Which was true; Deidara had no intention of Sasori seeing him at his low point. He would outwait Sasori; he could wait however long he needed. Sasori would have to go home and prepare for the school the next day. He had all the time in the world.

"Can you come back over the railing?" Sasori asked bluntly and leaned against the railing next to Deidara, looking at the sky as well, hiding the anxiety welling up inside of him. If it weren't for the fact that Deidara would probably be dead if Sasori didn't arrive just in time, he would have enjoyed the day; it was a nice, unusually chilly day in May where the sun shone but the rays were blinding or too warm. They were so close right now; if Sasori just extended his pinky a bit he could touch Deidara's. But he was too timid to do that; he was afraid that one wrong move would cause him to jump.

"Sorry danna, un," Deidara answered softly, casting his eyes downward briefly to look at the pavement where people walked to and fro without any idea what was going on above them, "I'm going to end it this time, un."

Sasori was never good at comforting people. When people came to him with problems, the most he would do was nod and pat their back awkwardly, wondering just how long they would cry. But this was different; he wanted to know the right words to say to pull him back over the edge. He didn't want to lose him and he would never live with himself, knowing that he was with Deidara during his last few moments and he couldn't save him. "…Why?"

"Hm?" Deidara turned to look at him, the sun's rays casting shadows on his face. _Beautiful,_ Sasori thought immediately. His blonde hair looked golden from the sun and those eyes that he loved to stare at were so innocent, wide with curiosity. _He can't die. If he does, the world loses one of the few beautiful things it has left._

"Why are you doing this?"

Deidara blinked and laughed softly; his laugh was a sound that Sasori loved and he hoped this wasn't the last time he would get to hear it. "Yeah, I guess I should tell you, un. I'd hate never being able to know something either. I guess… I'm just sad, un. Real sad. I can't describe it; you don't know what it's like unless you've felt it, un. Like every day is a struggle to get through and really, I have no energy left to fight. Danna," he paused and looked at Sasori who looked at him in surprise at his mention, "you're the highlight of my day, un. Tobi's all right and the others are cool, but every day I look forward to talking to you. So… thank you. I'm glad I met you, un."

Sasori cast his eyes down, chewing on his bottom lip. The atmosphere was so tense but relaxed at the same time; it was tense in that he was so self conscious of his words as to not say the wrong thing but relaxed because they were conversing like they normally would and Deidara was smiling lazily at the sky. "Why… are you sad?"

He heard a sigh and looked over startled, prepared to jump over the edge if he had to. But, to his relief, Deidara was just thinking. "Life is hard. Living is hard. Dying is easy. I hate to take the easy way out, but it's just so damn _hard,_ un. I never know if I'm good enough. What do I do if my best isn't good enough? I have nothing left to offer and no one will care, un. Every day is a battle and I have no fight left within me, danna. I'm not brave enough to keep living, un."

"Yes, you are," Sasori answered immediately in a low tone and Deidara looked at him in surprise, "You are. I've met a lot of people, brat. A lot of the smartest people you'll ever meet; the cream of the crop. There have been plenty of people better than me and people have told me to give up, that my best just isn't enough. But you don't stop there," he glanced at Deidara and smirked, "You improve and you prove them wrong. Because they don't set a limit on what you can do; you do. It's hard, I know. It's hard to take criticism, fall down, and chip your ego. But that's how you learn and how you improve and prove those bastards wrong."

Deidara laughed dryly and looked away, his eyes missing the vibrancy they usually held. "Maybe you can say that, danna, un. I can't judge how hard you've worked, but maybe you're just stronger than I am. I can't do it, un."

"You know, maybe the fact that you've failed at this five times means something."

"…You're really bad at talking me out of suicide, you know, un?" Deidara retorted and glared at Sasori, who was now smirking at him. He had to admit, it was more relaxing to see Sasori like this. This was the Sasori he had been seeing the past few weeks; that contemplative and vulnerable one was almost unsettling. This arrogant and smirking one was much more comforting.

"Maybe you're not supposed to die by your own hand," Sasori shrugged, "It's not meant to be."

"And exactly how is jumping off a seven story building supposed to fail, un?" Deidara countered back, "Is a bird going to come and save me?"

"I highly doubt it. Birds probably hate you because you keep blowing them up. But," he continued as Deidara opened a mouth to bite back with an insult. Sasori paused and looked at the railing and sighed, smiling as he looked back at Deidara, "if you jump, I will too. I swear on my word that if you jump, I will be right behind you."

"…You wouldn't, un."

"And why wouldn't I?"

Deidara blinked and frowned, looking at the ground below him. "You have too much to live for, danna, un. You have people that know you can do great things, people that care about you, and a bright future, un."

"So do you," Sasori answered, "I know you can achieve great things; you have the drive and determination. I care about you and so does everyone else in the wing, completely unaware of what you're about to do. And your future is what you make of it; if you work hard, you'll have a bright one. If not, you won't. Simple as that."

It was quiet, and that scared Sasori. For several minutes, Deidara said nothing but just hung his head and let his bangs and hair conceal his face. His fingers occasionally tightened and loosened their grip, causing Sasori to twitch in preparation to grab him if he suddenly jumped. He wondered what his last words' impact was; did they make Deidara reconsider or did they make him wonder why he was still alive?

"You just won't let me die, will you, un? You just won't let my damn birthday wish come true," Deidara finally said and hopped over the railing, landing safely and smirking at Sasori as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Well now that you told me what your wish it, it'll never come true," Sasori smirked as Deidara began to head towards the door with Sasori following him. His heartbeat, he realized, had been incredibly high up until this point, when he noticed it was slowing down. Now that it was over, he realized just how nervous he had been, how important Deidara was to him. Just the thought of how close he was to losing him made him feel cold all over and he shook the thought off immediately.

"Danna… you won't tell them, right, un?"

Sasori looked up and saw Deidara paused, his hand on the handle of the door and eyes looking questioningly at Sasori. He knew why; he didn't want them worried, he didn't want them to judge, he wanted to forget this sixth attempt as soon as possible.

"Of course not."

"Thanks, un. For everything," he grinned and opened the door. When the two returned to his room, as soon as Deidara turned the handle, Tobi (Madara left a long time ago) jumped on him and knocked him onto the floor as he cried about just how worried he was. Hidan came out to look at the ruckus and saw the two wrestling on the floor and smirked as he walked up to Sasori and punched him lightly on the shoulder to garner his attention.

"So where was the asshole?"

Sasori glanced at Deidara before answering, smirking.

"Clearing his head."

**-X-x-X-**

"We're going to go somewhere."

That was all Sasori said before he threw some clothes at Deidara and dragged him out of his bed by the wrist about three days after the roof top incident. Madara called a 'goodbye' to the two (later, Deidara would find out that Sasori bribed him into covering for Deidara while they were gone) and after a quick change in the bathroom, Deidara found himself wandering the streets of Tokyo for the first time in what felt like forever.

"When was the last time you came out?" Sasori asked, smiling in amusement at Deidara's wide eyes. As people passed them, they glanced at Deidara like he was a tourist and Sasori could see why; aside from his overly eager attitude about the city, his blonde hair and blue eyes definitely stuck out. At least Sasori's eyes were brown; people just assumed his hair was dyed or something.

"Long time ago, un. They keep us locked up in there like animals," Deidara answered glaring as someone bumped into him and walked off without apologizing, "I can almost say I miss how rude people were, un."

"Aren't you allowed to leave? For visits?" Sasori paused in front of a small store and motioned for Deidara to follow him into the store. He obliged and when Sasori pushed the door open, his eyes widened even more as a familiar scent of wood, glue, and paints surrounded him. He missed the atmosphere of an art store; nothing felt quite as comforting as the soft lights and supplies everywhere.

"I am, un. I just don't really have anyone to visit." As Deidara said the last part, he brushed past Sasori towards the clay, leaving the redhead there in shock.

"…You don't have any friends or family?"

"Nah," Deidara was engrossed by the clay; the kind that he toyed around in the hospital was old and whatever Shizune could find for him. He planned on using this opportunity to stock up on some _real_ clay and made a note to himself to keep it away from Tobi at all costs, "Parents died when I was young, un. All my so called "friends" stopped talking to me after word got out that I tried to kill myself, un. Only real friends are the guys back there in the hospital."

Deidara expected some kind of a mumbled apology or awkward silence; that was the reactions of most people when they asked him why he never went out or meet with someone. He was used to pity anyway; he was the poor little teenager that couldn't wrap his head around his problems and wanted to kill himself. But Sasori was different from the first day they met. He didn't stare at the cuts for too long and ignore Deidara as a person, he carried on a normal conversation without ever pushing to know what was wrong with him, and he wasn't afraid to be crude and himself; he didn't treat Deidara like a fragile doll or a little five year old.

"Guess it's a good thing," Sasori noted and Deidara looked up in surprise as he picked up a spool of string and looked it over, "You don't need fake friends anyway. They're just a pain."

"So what does it mean if you haven't left, un?" he asked in amusement, Sasori's answer once again surprising him yet the different answer was just what he was expecting.

The redhead glanced over and smirked, replacing the spool of thread and bending down next to Deidara. Their knees brushed occasionally from the close proximity and Deidara could feel the warmth radiate from Sasori's body and couldn't help but start having slight difficulties breathing. "That you'll never get rid of me, brat."

Deidara blinked and smiled slightly as he looked away and at the clay he was holding in his hand. _Thank you, danna, un. I don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me._

"Ready to go?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, un. I just need to buy this," Deidara stood up and headed towards the cash register. How long it had been since he had seen and heard one of these; handing the money over seemed almost like a dream. For once he felt a shred of normalcy; he wasn't surrounded by people with issues and he was in the company of those who were normal. No more being trapped in his own thoughts by himself and trying to talk out his problems with someone.

He knew they were doing their best; that's what doctors and hospitals were supposed to do. But no one understood it; nobody could unless he was in the same situation. Deidara could keep reiterating he was sad and the reasons why, but there was so much more than just being sad. When people looked at him and said "yeah, I know what you feel. I want to die too sometimes" he would get agitated. Because they didn't know and they wouldn't and he hated that they assumed they would.

That's why he liked talking to Sasori. He never assumed anything about what Deidara was feeling and never prodded him for any information. He never pushed the subject and never tried to "understand" him. And because of that, Deidara felt that Sasori probably understood him more than any psychiatrist or social worker he had met with.

"Let's go."

"Where, un?"

The two were out on the streets of Tokyo again. An usually cold day in May led to most people wearing jeans and a light jacket or sweater, but the two saw the girls that tried to flaunt their bodies by wearing short shorts and tank tops. Whenever they tried to approach the two, they'd silently walk away and smirk at their hushed whispers and snooty glares afterwards.

"So how does it feel to be in the city?" Sasori asked as he and Deidara went into a nearby café and sat down at a table, waiting for a waitress to come over and assist them. This was a café that Sasori was familiar with; he came here frequently to do homework, meet someone for homework, or for a forced date. He liked the atmosphere: small, cozy, and familiar, with aromas of coffee and baked pastries wafting through the air. People talked in hushed voices so he never felt completely isolated but he never felt overwhelmed by people either.

"Great, un," Sasori smirked at Deidara's exuberant grin, "I'm so glad to be in the company of actual people for once, un. I thought the whole world consisted of just Tobi and Madara; that was getting to be scary. Cappuccino, un."

"Same with me," Sasori said and the waitress nodded and walked off, leaving the two alone again. A silence fell over them and he looked up to see Deidara open packets of sugar and dump them onto a napkin until they formed a small hill. Then he took a straw and positioned it over the hill and blew, watching the sugar scatter. Sasori smirked. "What're you doing, brat? If you're trying to eat it, you're supposed to suck."

"Danna, that sounds so wrong, un."

"Only in your perverse mind."

As the waitress came back with their drinks, Sasori noticed Deidara pulling his sleeves higher so they covered half of his palms. He raised an eyebrow but decided not to ask and sipped his drink, grimacing slightly at how much sugar and cream was put into it.

"Why are you so nice to me, un?"

Sasori looked up in surprise at the sudden question and in return, he was met with Deidara's stern gaze. He noticed that he was still clutching his sleeves tightly to prevent them from accidentally slipping down and revealing the scars, yet his face portrayed no such insecurities. "What do you mean?"

"You don't have to be nice to me," Deidara continued, in a softer and less abrasive voice, "You're not burdened with me, un. You didn't have to keep buying me bakudan everyday so I would eat something or keep talking to me. You didn't have to save me and you didn't have to sneak me out, un." It was a question Deidara had been pondering for a while; despite how much he loved Sasori's company, he always wondered just why the other was so nice to him. "So why do you do all that for me, un?"

Sasori blinked in confusion at the question. He never gave it too much thought why he spent so much time with Deidara aside from the fact that he liked to. Sasori, the man who usually had an answer for any question asked of him, found himself at a loss of words. Smiling, he shrugged and answered him in a low voice with the simplest answer he could think of. "I guess I want to see you happy."

A silence elapsed and Sasori glanced at Deidara, wondering why he wasn't responding. He saw his lips curve slightly and a sigh escaped them before he looked up, a crestfallen expression on his face. This was what everyone told him; everyone wanted him to be happy. But the concept of happiness was so foreign to him and no one understood that. He could feel content or satisfied for brief moments, but he had long forgotten what actually being happy felt like. He felt guilty, seeing all these people go crazy because they couldn't "help him" but he couldn't help it; they wanted him to feel something he didn't know anymore. "Danna, you can't fix me, un," Deidara smiling softly with sad eyes and talked in a low tone, "No one can, un." He looked down at his reflection in the cappuccino as he awaited Sasori's answer, feeling his heart pound furiously.

"I'm not trying to fix you. Because fixing you means trying to change a part of who you are and… I don't want any part of you to change." The blonde was surprised by the answer and looked up, locking eyes with him. "It's not my job to fix you, so that's not my goal. I don't want to make you happy if you don't want to be. I just… I just want to spend time with you."

After a brief moment, Deidara burst out laughing and Sasori's brown eyes flicked up to look at him in bewilderment at the sudden change in emotion. The sound of his laugh was one he wanted to hear more often, he decided, as Deidara grinned, still chuckling. His laugh, to Sasori, was evidence that he didn't want to give up on life; he still wanted to keep trying and push through the obstacle.

"Danna, you say the strangest things, un," Deidara finally managed and sipped his drink. Sasori simply shrugged and smirked.

_It is the truth._

**-X-x-X-**

"I think I'm in love with you."

A week had passed since their "friendly outing" (as they proclaimed when Sasori returned Deidara to his room) and they spent even more time together. Word had gotten around that they snuck out together and Sasori had to deal with remarks from the other residents, whether they were sly "we are happy for your relationship with Deidara" from Itachi and Kisame or "so did you guys fuck like bunnies yet?" from Hidan. Needless to say, Hidan's lunch wasn't very good anymore.

But ever since then, there was a change in their relationship. They still talked frequently but whenever their hands brushed or they realized their close proximity, they would pause and flush awkwardly, before changing the topic. Madara frequently took walks elsewhere when they were together and Tobi eyed them with great interest, going so far as to take pictures (Sasori and Deidara worked effectively together to destroy the contraption.)

And so, one day, Sasori had just blurted those words out, wondering what Deidara's reaction would be. They were playing poker, though with no gambling; just bragging purposes. The game had started out well enough; with Sasori being a math person, Deidara already figured out that he was keeping track of the cards that were already played in his mind. He didn't mind though; just having an excuse for Sasori to linger around a bit longer was enough for him. It had been a while since Deidara played cards (no one else had the patience nor intelligence to play with him.) The cards were smooth against his fingers and he could curse when one slipped out of his grip every now and then, much to Sasori's amusement.

And just when Deidara thought he was finally about to win a round, Sasori spoke.

Deidara looked up with his hand in mid air as he was about to put down his cards. He stared at Sasori, whose face was impassive save the tiniest of blushes across his cheeks, heart thumping wildly. Sasori's lack of expression made him wonder if he had heard correctly; was it just his desperate imagination getting the better of him or had it really happened? "Y-you're serious, un?"

"…Yes," Sasori cleared his throat and looked away in embarrassment, "The last thing I expected when I started volunteering here was to fall in love with someone. But then you appeared, and you're everything that I'm not; you're spontaneous, creative, imaginative, and free. You don't let anyone control you and that's… what I really like about you. Unlike me, you don't feel the pressure to follow what someone else dictates of you; you have no problem flipping them off and doing what you want. You appear... like you're weak, because that's what people expect of you. But you're not. You're the strongest person I know. You're the opposite of me and of what I expected of you. You're a paradox and you mess with my mind... and I love that about you."

Deidara opened his mouth but found he had no words; Madara who was "sleeping" was obviously eavesdropping, but he didn't particularly care about Madara right now. He blinked a few times and looked away, smiling slightly, feeling his heart ache at what he was about to say. "Danna," he started then paused, laughing slightly, "Why would you fall in love with me? I'm the screw up, the failure. I've had six suicide attempts that all failed and I can't find it in myself to be strong and try to get better. You don't have to burden me with yourself any longer," he said, his voice growing harder as he uttered the words that he thought in his darkest moments, "You've done enough, un. You've been so kind and so understanding and I don't know why. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for listening to me. But... you don't have to pity me. You've done enough. You... coming into my life and being my friend... that's all I can ask you. So thank you, because you've done enough for me." _You've done enough._ The words rang in Deidara's heads, holding the truth. He was so grateful Sasori had taken the time to get to know him, to talk to him, to spend time with him, to convince him the world wasn't as bad a place as Deidara had imagined. He had done enough; he didn't have to tie himself down by his side as well.

It was silent for several moments and Deidara's heart was pounding. He was in love with Sasori, really, he was. But he was trying to reject him in the kindest way possible. He couldn't believe that Sasori would be in love with him, no way, who would love him? He didn't want to burden Sasori and tie him down; Deidara was convinced he was like poison, affecting everyone around him. He expected Sasori to leave any time now, but he didn't. Instead he began speaking again and Deidara's head jerked up, seeing Sasori's kind eyes and slight smile. "I'm not pitying you," he said softly, patiently, "If anything, I think I'm jealous of you."

"…Danna, I say this with the utmost respect, but you must be fucked up in the head, un."

Sasori smirked weakly and played with the cards, bending the edges as he felt Deidara's piercing eyes on him. Their poker game was all but forgotten and the cards only served for an outlet of nervous energy. "I've grown up being so controlled and always obeying the rules. I'd never have the guts to be like you; it doesn't matter what you did, but you weren't afraid to go out of line and do what you wanted. That kind of courage… I wish I had it."

He looked up to see Deidara still stare at him with a disbelieving look and he smirked slightly. "I can't prove it. I can't let you into my head and show you what you've done to me. All I can hope is that you believe me; I know for someone like you, the idea of something working out is completely out of the picture, but—"

"Danna, just shut up, un." Deidara laughed and leaned over, putting his free hand on the back of Sasori's head and pulled him in, joining their lips together in a soft kiss. Sasori was surprised at the tenderness of the kiss; from someone like Deidara, he expected it to be rough and leave his lips bruised. The sensation of the other's lips on his was ticklish at first, like a light brush that was almost accidental. But then it as Deidara seemed to gain more confidence, the ticklish sensation erupted into a nirvana, enveloping him in warmth.

Pulling back, Deidara grinned, laughing slightly as he looked down, feeling Sasori's nimble fingers encircle his wrists and lightly trace the scars. For once he didn't mind that someone was looking at them and touching them; around Sasori, he had nothing to hide. He had shown him everything he had to offer, and Sasori hadn't pushed him away at all or tried to change him. That was all he could ask for, and he was thankful.

"Danna, un," Deidara whispered and Sasori looked up, his eyes piercing through his messy red bangs. He felt like he was going to explode from something; his heart was beating a million miles per hour, his breathing was rapid, and he felt hot tears pressing at the back of his eyes for some reason. He felt almost euphoric and for once, all thoughts of how much he despised living were pushed out of his head. This was such an alien feeling; something he hadn't felt in so long but used to feel.

_Is this happiness…?_

"…Thank you, un."

**-X-x-X-**

"_You are not Tobi's senpai!"_

Sasori walked in with his almost empty cart and raised an eyebrow at the scene before him. A few days had passed since the confession and nothing had changed much, except the atmosphere. It was so much more relaxed compared to the awkwardness before. Sasori really needed to pick up a second job to cover for all the bakudan expenses, but seeing Deidara's wide grin made up for it. He could just squeeze some money out of Chiyo later if he was that desperate.

"The hell I'm not, moron, un!"

When Sasori looked, he had to suppress a smirk as he saw Deidara's sheets were flung off to the side and Tobi was lifting up the blonde's shirt, staring at the pale, exposed torso. The sleeves were also hastily pushed up, revealing pale skin that countered the angry, red face. "Tobi, leave me alone, un! Jesus Christ, let me be clothed, un!"

"You are not Tobi's senpai!" Tobi wailed again and jumped back into his bed as Sasori gently placed his tray next to his nightstand and handed Deidara his lunch. The redhead looked over at Deidara, who shrugged back, indicating he had no explanation for Tobi's behavior.

"How should I know what's wrong with him, un?"

"Senpai! Has no red on him!" Tobi sat up and pointed an accusing finger at Deidara, shaking with emotion, "No new cuts! Senpai has not self harmed and senpai always does! What is happening to senpai?"

"Oh really now?" Sasori hid his surprise and elated feeling as he turned to look at Deidara, who bashfully turned away, swallowing a bite of the bakudan hastily. As he ran his eyes over the still semi exposed skin, he noticed Tobi was right; as long as Sasori had been visiting, there were always a few fresh lines on the pale skin that made him cringe. But this time, there were no new ones; just old ones that were healing. He smiled slightly and Deidara seemed to sense it, as he looked up at him and half heartedly glared at him.

"D-don't get too excited, danna. They… they took away my uh… razor, un. Yeah."

Sasori neglected to mention that Hidan and Kakuzu probably had a stack in their room and Deidara could very easily get one from there. He smiled and coughed to hide the chuckle, but Deidara noticed it and flushed, glaring. Unbeknownst to Tobi, they had come to know each other well enough to detect underlying messages beneath their words.

"I'm sure it's just a blip, brat."

_I'm glad._

"Shut up, danna, un! Don't think you had anything to do with this, all right?"

_Thank you, danna._

"Right; like the fact that you actually look like you eat on a daily basis has nothing to do with me either."

_I'm glad I met you._

"Are you calling me fat, un? You bastard!"

_I'm glad I fell in love with you._

Deidara flushed and looked away angrily, as Sasori sat on the edge of his bed. Sometime during their banter, Tobi had slipped into Madara and was now eating quietly, ignoring the two. A few moments later, he felt Deidara's finger's trace over his and he looked over, smiling softly. "Yeah, brat?"

"I… think I'm going to leave this place soon, un. I'm nineteen," he added when Sasori raised an eyebrow, "I can check myself out anytime I want, un. Not because I want to… you know. Because I want to associate myself with the world again, un. If I'm ever going to get better, I'm going to have face it."

"I'm glad you've made that decision," Sasori's eyes softened and he smiled and intertwined some of his fingers with Deidara's. The younger male smiled shyly and looked down again, chewing on his lip nervously.

"I just… have one request of you, danna."

"Hm?"

Except for the occasional sound of Madara moving something on his lunch tray or turning a page in his newspaper, it was silent in the room. There were birds chirping outside and the sun beamed in radiantly; Sasori distantly heard voices outside and recalled that Chiyo was telling one of the other volunteers a patient's rather large family would be visiting away.

"I," Deidara paused and cleared his throat, looking away and blushing furiously, "want you with me, un."

Sasori looked at him in surprise and relaxed into a smile at how embarrassed Deidara looked for making that request. He wasn't "cured" by any means, Sasori realized; just because he wanted to leave the hospital and become independent again he wasn't "better." His mind flashed back to that day on the roof and how terrified he had been of losing him; how at that moment, he vowed to always stay by him and protect him. When he agreed to volunteer at the psychiatric ward, the last thing Sasori expected was to fall in love with one of the residents. But that was what happened, and he couldn't help it; if anything, he was glad he did.

He smiled and leaned in, touching his forehead to the startled Deidara's, whose blue eyes instantly locked with his. He felt the younger male's hand tighten around his and chuckled.

"Every step of the way, brat."

**.a/n: this is a repost of _artistic masterpieces,_ deleted for personal reasons. the reason this took way longer to repost was because i sat here and tried to think of a creative title and i changed some parts of the confession scene. hope you enjoyed it!.**


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